..i walk with the Lord...
.......he is my love..........
.....my strength.......
......my life.......
....my best friend...


Thursday, April 28, 2011


Sometimes the ways of my God are hard to understand..
Sometimes its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes its hard to see the rainbow after the storm.
And sometimes its hard to find joy in the pain..

But its in these times when you can't see the light or the rainbow or the joy that my God's light, love, mercy and grace really shine through.
Its in the hard times that he carries us.
Its when we are taken to our knees that we truly see the God that we live for.
Its the times when it feels you can't be brought down anymore that you turn to God and beg for mercy and healing.
When we are shattered in millions of pieces, it is then that God takes our brokenness and makes beauty and makes us whole again.

Sometimes its hard to understand God's timing.
Sometimes is hard to see why God allows things to happen.
Most of the time we have no idea what outcome to expect of the things that happen to us.
Most of the time we don't know what could happen in the next minute, hour, day, or year..

But it is these times that we learn to be patient.
It is in God's plan that we don't know what will happen.
We take chances, we take risks, we jump in head first, close our eyes, and BEG God to bring us back to the surface in one piece.
We don't know what to expect when we do things like this, all we can do is TRUST God to make the best of our ridiculous mistakes.

Over the last few months i have learned that...
Try as i might, what i want to think, feel, or happen will never end just the way i forsaw.
Try as i might, in the end it is ALWAYS God's will that will be done...
Try as i might to make things happen in MY time.. EVERYTHING is always God's time.. OUR time is God's time, and we couldn't speed that up or slow it down if we wanted to.
Try as i might to make things turn out just perfect, nothing is perfect unless God's hand is in it from start to finish..

So remember,
SOMETIMES it's not what we do that matters.. because more than sometimes, things won't happen just the way we want them to..
so more than SOMETIMES.. trust God

Monday, April 25, 2011

How do you say?

How do you tell someone you love with every ounce of your heart that right now is not the time? How do you tell someone that means the world to you that you can't be in their world right now?
How? How? How?
This question has my head and my heart spinning like a top out of control...

Sunday, April 24, 2011

He Is Risen

PIMPIN!! haha..dub C represent

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?"
This is what the angels asked when Mary showed up at the tomb wanting to see Jesus..
How incredible is it that our Savior has risen from the grave..

Died, was buried, and then a few days later, BAM "Hows it going guys.. you really thought i was gonna chill in that cold dark tomb for eternity?? NO THANK YOU!"

No other religion on earth could say that their faith, and their lives are based on someone who was whipped, spit on, mocked, NAILED to a cross, stabbed in the side, KILLED, and then rose from the grave..and that is a fact and a half right there...

Like a friend said, it is really really sad that we only celebrate such a momentous day for our faith, ONCE A YEAR.. i mean we are talking history here.. we are talking the impossible here.. we're talking Jesus.. i'm pretty sure he deserves alot more than just one lousy day in the beginning/middle/end of april [depending on this crazy year system] i mean i'm pretty sure we need to spend every day in awe of the fact that Jesus Christ rose from the grave.. particularly due to the fact that HE DID IT ALL FOR US!!! I mean dang, he went through that pain and suffering just so we wouldn't have to? He must have been outside his mind!! lol.. but really, this is no laughing matter, this is serious.. and i truly hope that you will spend your whole year praising God and thanking him for sending his Son for us, and not just one day a year..

incase ya'll are curious.. i spent Easter at home.. with my wonderful family=]
umm yea my brother is basically a stud;]
and the most BEAUTIFUL mother on earth!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Where is God?

"Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning.
If only I knew where to find him; if only i could go to his dwelling!
I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments.
I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say.
Would he oppose me with great power? No, he would not press charges against me.
There an upright man could present his case before him, and i would be delivered forever from my judge.

But if i go to the east, he is not there; if i go to the west, i do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, i do not see him; when he turns to the south, i catch no glimpse of him.

But he knows the way that i take; when he has tested me, i will come forth as gold.
My feet have closely followed his steps; i have kept to his way without turning aside.
I have not departed from the commands of his lips; i have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.
But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? he does whatever he pleases.
He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store.
That is why I am terrified before him; when i think of all this, i fear him
God has made my heart faint; the almighty has terrified me.
Yet i am not silenced by the darkkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face."

God is hard to understand.
The book of Job has been bringing me alot of comfort recently..
Job went through many trials.. i am going through alot in life right now..
Here we see that Job has been worn down to the bone.. he is exhausted.. feels like God doesn't care about him, and hejust wants to give up. No matter where he turns he says he can't find God, not in the North, South, East, or West..But no matter what God can always see us. We aren't meant to see God or understand him. it is his job to see us always and understand us. God's ways will never be known to man here on earth. I can only hope that when i get to heaven He'll share some of these secrets with a sinner like me.. he'll tell me why he allowed me to be spread so thin..why he allowed me to try to walk my own walk without him.. Why doesn't God just reach down and put us on the right path? Because we need to figure it out for ourselves. i know i know.

Then Job points out that God stands alone..NOBODY can try to stand up to God.. we all know why the devil is in hell and not flying around in Heaven with the other angels. God does whatever he pleases..sometimes all we want to do is throw our hands up and say "God, I GIVE UP!".. would you believe that that is basically what he wants? ALL God desires is for us to give everything to him and trust him to deal with it.. so why is that so hard to do? I mean goodnight! We trust God with our lives right? [we don't really have any other option if you think about it.. if God wants us in Heaven.. BAM we'll be there no matter what we try to do to prevent it] thats another tangent.. anyway.. If we trust God with our lives, the LEAST we can do is trust him with finances, a house to live in, and relationships..

We serve a God that nobody on earth or anywhere could even begin to compare to. We don't know where he is, we don't know what he looks like, we don't know his thoughts, we down know his ways, basically we don't know anything.. and to think that God got mad cuz Adam and Eve ate the apple to gain wisdom.. man we didn't gain squat!! God is all knowing.. all powerful, and i would advise handing everything over to him.. cuz i sure don't want to deal with the consequences of trying to take it all on by myself..

Have FAITH.. God is out there even if you can't see Him..

Monday, April 18, 2011

He Carried Me

Life has been KICKING my butt lately..
that is it.. quite simply put..
I feel like i study study study for tests and i still fail them..2 to be exact..
I go to class and pay attention but that doesn't seem to do anything..
I've had papers due, i have speeches, i have a test tomorrow..
My roommates and i CAN NOT find a house.. i am really starting to feel like God is not calling me back to CSU. Don't you think he would provide a house if it was his will? We have to have looked at 20 houses.. 2 of which would be PERFECT but just won't work..due to other people already renting them, or this darn U+2 law Fort Collins has going on.
I don't know where God is leading me in certain relationships...
I don't now where God is leading me in life, or where i will get the $10,000 i still need for YWAM..particularly with some big financial deadlines coming around for YWAM.
I just don't know right now what i am supposed to be doing right now, and no matter how hard i pray and beg God to reveal his will to me, i just can't seem to understand!
Please pray for God's will to be come clear to me.
Pray for a clear heart and clear mind.
Pray for focus for the last 4 weeks of school.
Pray for the rest of my YWAM funds..Right now i almost wonder of it isn't God's will that i do YWAM, because wouldn't he provide what i need? Yes, he has been providing slowly.. but i'm saying i've received $2000 and i still need $10,000 and i only have 2 1/2 months left..
Pray for God to carry me..


Dear World, Today is in fact I LOVE CSU DAY. I want to make sure you all are aware of that, particularly because Colorado State University is the bomb diggity:)
why do i love CSU?
1. Awesome People
2. Fun rec center
3. In the beautiful state of Colorado
4. I'm proud to be a CSU Ram!
5. Beautiful Campus
6. CSU is in Fort Collins, and we all now the Fort is fun!
7. umm i've run out of reasons to list.. basically you should all love CSU too, because it is just so great:)
And no, this picture was not planned.. i guess this just gives me another reason to Love CSU, and that is because ALL MY FAVORITE people do too!


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Traveling and Best Friends..

My roommate's father is a pilot...
My roommate can fly basically anywhere on standby..
HOW AWESOME IS THAT? i'm pretty sure i would have traveled the world at this point. lol
so we've been discussing taking a week or two this summer before i jet off to Australia and before she starts work to do a little traveling..she flys free.. i fly on a buddy pass..

does it get much better than that? jetting around the world with my best girlfriend?? NO IT DOES NOT!!! hopefully it all works out.. and if it does.. any ideas on where to go??

We're lookin at the beautiful 808 state..
possibly tokyo...
man who knows where, the options are pretty much limitless!! haha YES I AM STOKED! now i just hope it all works out.. God willing:)

So speaking of this beautiful roommate.. i just want to say...

Brittany Mae Schuette I LOVE YOU TO DEATH..

this beautiful woman of God is there for me through the thick and thin. i've always had a hard time opening up to girls.. and i've never been able to have a close girlfriend because of all that horrible stuff that goes on between girls [backstabbing, boys, other girlfriends]
But Britt is different.. i couldn't ask God for a better roommate or friend to have in my life, and i will forever be grateful that i went to Concordia last year quite simply because it is there that i met one of my lifelong best friends...thank you God for blessings in disguise=]
i feel like i can spill my heart to this girl and she just loves me, hugs me, and encourages me no matter what it is.. she backs me 100%..she is like a sister to me...

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

God's will

I am here to inform you that sometimes God's will is one of the hardest things on earth..in the universe to understand.
sometimes i feel like i can beg and beg and beg God to show me his will, but i never seem to hear Him or see what He is trying to tell me..

well i have to tell you that tonight that changed.
i don't know if what i did would be considered quite right.. or good.. but i did it. i was so fed up with feeling like God was NEVER talking to me, and he would never show me what i needed to do.. so i made him do something.. ok technically i didnt' make him do anything because us pathetic little human beans [yes i know that isn't how it is really spelled.. but i like it] couldn't make God do something if our life depended on it..

Basically i begged/told God that if he wanted me to make a certain pretty huge decision that he needed to send a beautiful shiny object sailing through the air and an unusually high speed.. and that would be my sign.. kind of like how noah got a rainbow.. well I my dear friends got a SHOOTING STAR..thank you God for revealing your will to me..

Sunday, April 3, 2011

a broken heart

have you ever felt your heart break??

I have....

It feels like you can't breathe..
It feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest..

I am not talking about emotional pain..
I'm talking physical pain..
I'm talking about when it feels like you are dying.. but you really aren't.. its amazing that God could give us the kind of feeling to feel something that deep.. I can't imagine how He felt when He saw His son being ripped to pieces..

BUT He knew that His Son was coming up to spend forever with Him.. he found hope..

I know that this isn't forever... it is only temporary.. it is in that that i find my Hope..

God, in the darkness your light will shine through..

We are Meant to Live..

I think its safe to say blogging.. and anything that slightly resembles blogging..
homework, writing thank yous, reading, studying, has become an epic fail..

I feel like my life is flying by and leaving me in the dust.
How does that happen you might ask?

I feel like ever since i was 5 i have felt that pressure [just like any kid does] to know what i want to be..
I always get asked...
"What are you studying at CSU and why??"
"What do you want to do with your degree?"
"What do you want to do when you get out of school?"

And everybody's reaction when i reply
"well don't worry, you still have a little time, but you're what? a sophomore in college? you need to decide soon!"

I have been thinking about life, school, my future, what i'm going to be doing 1 year, 5 years, 10 years..

I really struggle with focusing on school..I have never been the person who LOVES to go to school. I have never been the person who is even slightly interested in school. I have never been the person that knows exactly what i want to do and has know since i was 5..I do not feel like college is the place for me. I talk to God day and night begging him to show me where he wants me, and no matter how much i beg and plead, i DO NOT feel that God is calling me to be at school. I do not feel like i am meant to be living in an apartment on the corner of drake and shields, driving to class M-F, learning about accounting and business law, i don't believe God is calling me to stay in this place...

Most people want to be comfortable.. they want to know what will happen tomorrow and the next day..people don't want to worry about if they will have the money for food tomorrow, or if they will have a place to sleep at night, or if their house is nice enough to have friends over for dinner...

I am not like most people. In my talking to God i feel like i am called to be uncomfortable..i am called to MOVE..I am called to be the one that doesn't worry about what i will eat for dinner, or if I have a place to sleep, quite simply because i know and trust that God will provide it for me no matter where i am. My desire is to go out into the world and tell people about the love of my Savior. I have REALLY been feeling a calling to go to Hawaii and tell them about the Love of my life...After being over there for spring break i realize how many people over there claim to be Christians but they drink,burn,swear,sleep around.. and thats only the beginning..I have grown to LOVE the locals. and they have grown to accept me..they don't consider me a haole..i am one of them [i actually even got asked if i was part Hawaiian..ME..blone hair blue eyed me...LOVE IT!] And i really feel that i have grown to be accepted by them so that my Heavenly Father can use me to reach them with something they have never heard before..It is so hard for me to be excited about going to class and getting a degree when I don't feel like this is where i am meant to be...

but how do you tell people you love and love you..people that want you to be all you can be and graduate from college...people that want you to never have to struggle in any way... that college is not for you? that God is not calling you to live that life?

I have yet to figure this out....

Untill then i will continue to ask God for direction so that i can MOVE where i am at right now..

this takes me back to a post i did a few months ago..and it brings me to the question..
Do i want to LIVE or EXIST? where i'm at right now i feel as if i'm only existing...